Killer Chili
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
Why do I picture my family including Grandpa's sitting around the table listening to my brother tell that story and someone having to run to the bathroom or someone blowing milk out their nose???
After the show, we went and had an amazing dinner at "The Melting Pot"- delicious! But we forgot to take a picture at the restaraunt. Take my word for it - the dessert was the best!
So Thalea and Mason came down on Sunday the 11th for a working (but fun) trip to San Diego. Thalea had to work, and Mason and I had to play. I actually had to work a little, but I did that during nap time - until I caught Mason's cold. Thalea took him swimming on Monday night. We must have walked by the pool about 8 times on Monday and Mason kept asking to go swimming . . . but he waited for his Mom. This is him after the swimming - he was a little cold.
We (as in Mason and I) hit the bookstore every day. I was amazed after the first day that he knew exactly where to go to get the books he wanted to read. The one afternoon we took Thalea with us, he showed her exactly where to go to find the books he wanted her to buy him. Thursday, Thalea didn't have late meetings, so we hit Sea World - Mason's and my first trip there. I've lived here all my life and have never made it Sea World or the San Diego Zoo. We had thought about going to the Wild Animal Park, but with winter hours and the heat, Sea World was the better idea.
I saw a sign that you could buy food to feed them, so I took Mason over to buy some for he and I to feed them. The nice lady gave us an extra container since not many people had bought any... who knew that Seals and Sea Lions have ESP because as soon as we turned around they started barking and jumping out of the water...even the birds were flying at us trying to steal the fish.
If there hadn't been alot of people around (including Mason's mom) I think I could have gotten him to eat some "sushi", but I want to be the cool Aunt so I had him act like he might have taken a bite if I let him.
We also got to feed the Flamingos. Who knew those things were SO big. I don't remember them being that tall before. We saw a baby one too, but I just don't remember the pink birds being that big, maybe I have the size confused by the lawn ornaments!
The Shamu show was excellent. I remember seeing the shows at Marine Land, but I guess the older you get the more you realize that these animals are amazing creatures and one wrong move and you're literally fish food. Yet they are so gentle and loving and look like they are enjoying themselves.
We ended the day at the kid's rides and I got to enjoy my fear of heights. I'm usually ok with a little height, but it must have been the cold medicine and the fact that my life had been threatened if anything happened to Mason, that it freaked me out and I would only do it once. Thalea got to ride the rest of the rides with him.
We made it back to Long Beach Friday night and hung out with the family. We got up Saturday morning and I had to do a Relief Society thing. Afterwards we (the three muskateers) went to Disneyland. I hadn't been to Disneyland in almost 12 years....man has it changed, but some things never change like hanging with Mickey Mouse.
All in all it was a FUN week. It took forever to get here and went by WAY too quick!!!
