Killer Chili
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
Why do I picture my family including Grandpa's sitting around the table listening to my brother tell that story and someone having to run to the bathroom or someone blowing milk out their nose???
Here is Carl's little friend that they found on Tuesday morning. Actually Bailey the dog spotted it and started barking. There was a hole that goes under the house that the snake had found and slithered back into, so they had to wait for the snake to come back out.
Mr. Snake came back out and wasn't to thrilled about Carl blocking his way back to safety. So not able to get a clear shot of the head, Carl managed to get a shovel shot to the body.
I don't think they were planning on having any snake soup or anything like that, but he says that sharpened shovels are now placed around the yard in case of any other little friends that want to visit.
They have a really fun children's area. Here I am with Mason and Sam posing with the bear. The bear was a little 
They have this really cool water fall area. I blogged stalked Deb's or Sandie's and they said it was the world's largest man-made falls. Who knew??? 
Here is Mason with me in the tulips - he tells me I'm his favorite auntie! I believe him too! 
Poor Sam was riding in the stroller the whole time and he wanted out to touch the flowers. So again I'm the cool aunt who stole him from his stroller and let him touch!!! 
I saw this fountain /waterfall thing . . . 
Here's a nice picture of 
They have this really big pond with a TON of 
I'm laughing or smiling here because my life is being 
One last shot of me with 
So Sam's 1st birthday was going to be a week after I left so I got to do a little early celebrating with him. He kinda liked me or at least thought I was pretty cool. Mason will have to do a little talking me up to him, but he can't help liking his cool but silly Auntie.
After the show, we went and had an amazing dinner at "The Melting Pot"- delicious! But we forgot to take a picture at the restaraunt. Take my word for it - the dessert was the best!
